Dear Reverend,
I’ve been casually dating this guy for about six months. We recently started seeing more of each other and I’ve noticed a habit that he has: He spits. A lot. We’ll be walking down the street and he’ll spit with barely a break in the conversation. I think it’s disgusting, but I don’t know how to mention it to him without making him feel bad. Can you help a sister out?
Sally Iva (Female, 26)
Dear Sally Iva,
People are usually on their best behavior at the beginning of a relationship. When they start to feel more comfortable, manners tend to slip. Perhaps that’s what’s happening here. So, on one hand, it’s nice to know that your fella feels like he can be himself around you. On the other, spitting in public is just plain nasty.
I’ve never understood why some guys feel it’s okay to spit willy-nilly all over the place, so I poked around on the internet to see if I could find an answer. It seems that there’s nothing definitive, but there are all sorts of possible causes. It could just be a learned behavior from when he was a kid. It could be some manifestation of anxiety or a side effect of medication. Or it could be a holdover from ancient primate signals of aggression.
Whatever the reason, spitting is one thing when you’re on a football field or hiking on a trail in the woods. But on a date? Yikes.
If you were walking with him down Church Street and he started to take a leak on the bricks, I imagine you’d speak up. Spitting isn’t all that different. You don’t have to make a big deal about it, but the next time he hocks a loogie, just say something like: “Dude. That’s gross.” He may not even realize he’s doing it, so pointing it out a couple times ought to do the trick.
Just remember, if he feels comfortable enough around you to bring up a lung slug, you should feel comfortable bringing up the fact that it grosses you out.
Good luck and God bless,
The Reverend
This article appears in Aug 2-8, 2023.
