Dear Athena,
I recently started seeing a woman in her early thirties who
lives out of state. We’ve been getting together about twice
a month for a few days at a time, and we have a genuinely
great time all around. We are both very sexually progressive
and communicate our needs, desires and fantasies openly
with each other. That said, my lady friend can only orgasm
from oral sex, which is fine because I absolutely love giving
head! We’ve worked it out so that when she starts to get off,
I’ll come up and try to finish with her. It takes a bit of timing,
but when it happens, it really happens!
It’s not a huge problem, but sometimes it takes so
long for her to get off that I lose my erection. I can usually
keep myself stimulated, but I’m wondering what I can do
to mitigate distraction and performance anxiety. I’m also
curious: What are the chances of her having an orgasm from
intercourse or G-spot stimulation? I feel like I’ve brought
her fairly close with a pulsing G-spot massage, but I always
end up just going down on her, which, again, is not really a
problem.
Signed,
Making It to the Finish
Dear Making It,
It sounds like you and your lady friend have a great bond.
You dig each other, and the sex is good — sometimes even
fantastic. So why stress about making her orgasm with your
penis when your mouth is already doing it just fine?
You’re putting way too much pressure on yourself to
finish at a certain time and to make her orgasm in a certain
way. Yes, it’s awesome to come together, but placing so
much emphasis on it could be what’s triggering your
performance anxiety and distraction. It probably feels like
she’s taking a long time to climax because you’re thinking
about it too much — and that mental state is the exact
opposite of what you need to be able to get off.
As for how she orgasms, Best Health Magazine states
that approximately 80 percent of women cannot climax
from intercourse alone. Not the statistic you were hoping for,
but it’s true. And it may make you feel a little better knowing
that this situation is common for women — it’s nothing
you’re doing wrong. Instead of worrying about how it
happens, be grateful that it happens at all. Be grateful that
you guys rock at sex. Be grateful that you like her so much
and she likes you, too. If she’s having fun and you’re able to
keep yourself stimulated, that’s all that matters.
That doesn’t mean you can’t switch it up every once in a
while. Take turns giving oral and get creative with positions
so the experience is more dynamic and spontaneous.
Experimenting will keep you present, and that’s the best way
to squash any nerves.
Sex isn’t about making it to an imagined finish line.
It’s an exchange — a shared experience. Like pretty much
everything else in life, it’s about the journey.
Yours,
Athena
This article appears in Apr 13-19, 2016.
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