My Boyfriend Doesn't Last Long in Bed

Dear Reverend,

My boyfriend doesn’t last long in bed. He has never made me have an orgasm. What do I do to help him?

Nil Cummings (woman, 20)

Dear Nil Cummings,

Yours is a very common complaint among women, and I’m going to assume you’re referring to the penetrative portion of the party. If your boyfriend isn’t pleasuring you in other ways, that’s a bigger conversation.

I’m not sure what you consider a long time, but on average, it takes a person with a penis between five and seven minutes from penetration to ejaculation. Conversely, studies have shown that people with vaginas need six to 20 minutes to reach climax during partnered sex. Of course, it varies greatly from person to person, but it doesn’t take a mathematician to see that those numbers don’t add up.

As with just about every issue in a relationship, communication is key to solving sexual problems. I know it can be awkward, but you need to talk with your boyfriend about the situation. No guy wants to feel like a two-pump chump, so keep his feelings in mind when you broach the subject.

It’s no secret that many women don’t achieve orgasm through penetration alone. Slow things down, and add more focus on the extracurricular activities. Spend more time on foreplay, and make sure your motor is really running before you jump into the main event. When things get heated up, take breaks. Find positions that are less sensitive for him.

He could try the “stop and squeeze” method. When he feels an orgasm coming on, he should stop what he’s doing and squeeze right below the head of his penis with his thumb and forefinger. He can do this with you or when he’s masturbating to get a better grip on controlling his climax.

A trip to a sex shop would be a fun and useful adventure for both of you. Get a toy or two to play with. He could try a genital desensitizer. It comes in a variety of sprays, gels, lube and even condoms. A cock ring helps maintain a strong erection and can help prolong pleasure for both partners. Do a little online research before you go so that you have an idea of what might tickle your fancy.

In general, no one should expect another person to “make” them have an orgasm. It’s a team effort. With practice, the two of you should be able to find a way to reach the goal together.

Good luck and God bless,

The Reverend