Dear Mistress,
I married in my teens and, three decades later, became one of those divorcées without a clue about today’s dating world and sexual protocol. I met someone new, and we engaged in an animalistic rutting session.
But there were some problems. I found his kissing to be like a Hoover trying to suck off my face, and I found him a little small and soft in the penis department. I know this was our first time and, honestly, I was comparing him to my ex. Any advice on how I can deal with my issues in this department? My ex was an incredible lover and fit me rather nicely, if you get my drift…
Signed,
Feeling Like a Middle-Aged Virgin
Dear FLAMAV,
Kudos on the rutting — animalistic, indeed! Navigating the wild world of dating can be daunting for even the most seasoned dater, so cut yourself some slack. Getting back in the game after thirty years, you’re bound to have some pitfalls.
The simple truth is that you and your new lover may not be sexually compatible. Don’t feel badly about comparing him to your ex-husband. Once you’ve had a great sexual partner, anything less than earth shattering is unappealing. Your ex has done you a great favor in teaching you what works for your body, and there’s no reason to settle for mediocre lovemaking. That said, don’t be too hasty — sex with a new partner can be awkward at first and get better as time goes on. Consider giving this guy another shot, but be ready to respectfully end things if you’re still not jiving. Remember, penis size isn’t everything — it’s how he uses it (and he can address his softness issues with a medical professional).
The most important thing to remember is that this is your time to thrive. After a long-term relationship ends, it’s crucial to take time for yourself and enjoy being independent for a while. I’ve seen many people, particularly women, jump into a new relationship too quickly after divorce. Major mistake! It’s natural to miss the comfort and routine of being in a relationship, but don’t accept less than the best — especially if you’re not compatible.
Catching your drift,
This article appears in Nov 14-20, 2012.
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