For nearly 30 years, writer-director Nicole Holofcener has been quietly making adult-oriented comedies of manners, with no high concepts and no slapstick — the kind of movies you rarely see in theaters anymore. Her latest one, You Hurt My Feelings, premiered at this year’s Sundance Film Festival and is currently playing at the Savoy Theater in Montpelier and Merrill’s Roxy Cinemas in Burlington.
The deal
New Yorkers Beth (Julia Louis-Dreyfus) and Don (Tobias Menzies) seem to have the perfect marriage. He’s a therapist; she’s the author of a published memoir. They eat off each other’s plates, give each other carefully chosen anniversary gifts and dote on their aimless adult son (Owen Teague), encouraging him to pursue a writing career like Beth’s.
Then Beth overhears Don discussing her new manuscript with her brother-in-law (Arian Moayed). Apparently her husband wasn’t being entirely honest when he bestowed glowing praise on her draft.
The revelation sends Beth spiraling. Does Don like anything she’s written? What else has he lied about? Is their whole relationship a lie?
Will you like it?
Virtually every writer — or artist of any kind — will relate to the unpleasant awakening that Beth experiences. You Hurt My Feelings should probably come with a PSA: Writers, keep your manuscripts away from your loved ones. Unless they’re keen readers of your genre and skilled at delivering constructive critique, there’s a good chance their reactions will be useless at best and devastating at worst.
Holofcener isn’t concerned solely with writers’ sensitive egos, however, but with the phenomenon of “hurt feelings” in general. Most of the film’s characters experience insecurity and fear of judgment. Most find themselves delivering judgments, too, that require them to choose between a harsh truth and a kind lie.
Don is increasingly passive and listless in his therapy sessions, and his patients judge him for it. He has no answers for a combative couple (David Cross and Amber Tamblyn) whose own judgment issues have them heading for Splitsville. Beth’s sister (Michaela Watkins) admits that she isn’t always wowed by her actor husband’s performances. Beth’s son points out to his mom that she has a history of lying to shore up his self-esteem. Finally, Beth’s own mom — Jeannie Berlin, stealing the show with piercing eyes and impeccable diction — judges every single one of them.
Holofcener’s dialogue hits no false or saccharine notes. Just watching these fine comic actors use it to play off one another, exploring the convolutions of the human ego, is entertaining. Yet, as the film winds toward its conclusion, we may grow listless ourselves, because there’s never a sense that anything much is at stake.
Every time a genuine threat makes its way into Don and Beth’s curated, upscale world, it’s quickly expelled with a reasonable conversation or a cutesy bit of acting out. Only one scene suggests just how destructive chronic insecurity can become: Drinking away her sorrows at a bar, Beth proceeds to infect another couple with the doubts that are consuming her. She asks each of them to judge the other’s creative work — a cruel mind game if there ever was one.
But Beth’s dark night of the soul is soon over. Self-doubt remains more of a quirk in You Hurt My Feelings than a fatal flaw. While the characters experience momentary setbacks, the possibility that a career or a relationship might actually fail never rears its head.
At least twice in the film, someone notes the irony of having such petty concerns while the world is collapsing. But it should be possible to acknowledge the triviality of “first world problems” while still conveying how real and insurmountable they can feel to the people having them.
Because You Hurt My Feelings skims the surface of such problems, it ends up feeling a bit shallow. Still, Holofcener does touch on a crucial point about the distinction between love and approval. Part of the problem with seeking feedback from loved ones is that artists tend to see their work as an extension of their being. Don explains that he praised Beth’s novel because he feels unconditional love for her and knew she would want him to express the same love for her story, even if it left him cold.
The realization that someone can love you and not love your cozy mysteries about dachshunds is a hard pill to swallow. But love is rife with contradictions, and, as always, Holofcener delineates them with skill. I feel enough affection for her work as a whole that I’ll probably keep right on seeing her films, even though I didn’t love this one.
If you like this, try…
Lovely & Amazing (2001; Tubi, Redbox, MovieSphere): Holofcener has always been interested in how family conflicts intersect with the inherent instability of an artist’s life. This drama starring Catherine Keener and Emily Mortimer as sisters could be her sharpest exploration of the theme. Also check out Please Give (2010) and Enough Said (2013), both rentable.
Can You Ever Forgive Me? (2018; rentable): Holofcener took a deeper dive into the insecurities of being a writer in the screenplay for this darkly funny drama. Melissa McCarthy oozes desperation as a washed-up celebrity biographer who resorts to criminal means to maintain her New York literary lifestyle.
The End of the Tour (2015; Max, rentable): For more about writers and their boundless egos, try this fact-based drama in which Jesse Eisenberg plays an envious journalist hanging out with novelist David Foster Wallace (Jason Segel).
This article appears in The Dairy Issue.
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